The Most Sexist Post Ever

Yo, big ups to the Ladeez Ho-pher Basketball team for going to the Final Four. I actually watched the last two games and enjoyed them. Of course, I often dig birds who can beat the shit out of me.

Get a Job

W's most sensible plan yet.

Cheers

The funniest website of 2003 is back. Respect, mad propz, yo.

Stupid Bush Ads

Bush has another flawed ad coming out.

"Some people have wacky ideas, like taxing gasoline more so people drive less. That's John Kerry."

1. Every car-owner I have ever known is desperate to drive everywhere all the time. It would take quite a bit to get them to stop. If we're talking about pricing people out of their ability to drive that is bad, but something tells me that wouldn't ever be the case.
2. Less people driving is bad because...?

UPDATE: Of course, it's not even remotely true. Bush/Cheney '04: Because You're a Self-Absorbed Idiot, Too.

Bush the Card II

Here's a transcript.

Bush the Card

Some stink has been raised about President Bush's jokes about sending soldiers to die. I'm sure you're thinking, Dodgy likes edgy humor as much as the next asshole, what does he think of the President's jokes? Well, I guess I am offended, even though the jokes were basically pictures of W. looking stupid. But, I am offended because the jokes just weren't that funny. Isn't there one funny Republican, besides Mel Gibson, who could help him out?

I'm sorry Secretary Rumsfeld is not here, either. The guy constantly surprises me. Do you know what Rummy's favorite TV show is? "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy."

I don't get it. Is the joke that Rumsfeld likes bad TV shows? Or is it that he's a total flamer? Considering he dyes his hair, I assume it's the latter. Allow me to punch that one up for you, Georgie. How about:

I'm sorry Secretary Rumsfeld is not here, either. The guy constantly surprises me. Do you know that I caught him sucking dick in the West Wing bathroom this morning? Now that guy is a fucking fag who fucks men, if you get my meaning!

Now that shit is funny.

Secondly, you have to consider the context of his jokes, especially the ones about how he can't find the WMDs in Iraq. Here's how I see it: Now, I have not raped your dead grandmother. So, if I were to tell a joke about me raping your dead grandmother, you would laugh and laugh and laugh. But, if I actually had raped your dead grandmother, you wouldnt find my jokes so amusing, would you? If you need me to put anything else into perspective for you, please don't hesitate to ask.

Does This Settle It?

"Unlike last year's report, bin Laden's al Qaeda organization is mentioned, but the 2000 report does not contain a photograph of bin Laden or a lengthy description of him and the group. A senior State Department official told CNN that the U.S. government made a mistake last year by focusing too tightly on bin Laden and "personalizing terrorism ... describing parts of the elephant and not the whole beast."
- CNN, 4/30/2001

Links and shit on Atrios.

Oh, and if you hate America but love Nicole Kidman, Lars von Trier's Dogville opens today. Check it out!

The Next Revolution

I say this tongue-in-cheek, but not totally: atheists are the most oppressed group in America. That makes no sense, seeing as we have all the smart ones.

Science of ESOTSM

A discussion of the science in Eternal Sunshine.... My dissertation will be on a film in which a deaf girl befriends a runaway chimp who plays hockey.

.

What did the number 0 say to the number 8? Nice belt!

Senators know some jokes. Ahh, it's the little things that keep the razorblade away from the veins.

Here is my favorite.

Babe, I'm 4-Real

sunrise and sunset,
not two moons long ago
i said i'd share every skeleton with you.
and thus, skinny ghost, here is one:
i once carved the word "meat" in my arm!

Fit but You Know It

Crikey. Is it just me, or does the new song from the Streets suck?

Water + Shit = People

Scalia rundown here.

"If it is reasonable to think that a Supreme Court justice can be bought so cheap, the nation is in deeper trouble than I had imagined."

Whether you're as dumb as Dennis Miller or as smart as me, as left as Lenin or as right as Roemmel, you learned this about the Supreme Court in 2000: They are ALL fucking partisan hacks -- yes, even the less sexist and racist ones. You were all bought a long time ago. Every monkey knows that. Sleep well tonight.

Are You Beginning to Lose Hope for Reasonable Discourse?

The Conservative Mode of Argument personified.

Terrorists for Bush

It doesn't surprise me, but this part is so weird...

"Kerry will kill our nation while it sleeps because he and the Democrats have the cunning to embellish blasphemy and present it to the Arab and Muslim nation as civilization."

If I were Rush Limbaugh, I'd think it came from the DNC.

Folklore

Because I was busy rubbing one out to Condoleeza on MTP, I missed this one.

My Platform

Trip Balls, It's on Me...

Here's something if yer interested in Eternal Sunshine...; it's a video for the Polyphonic Spree's "Light and Day."

i've been in this town so long that back in the city i've been taken for lost and gone and unknown for a long long time

Going Positively Negative

The Sleeping Giant of Liberal Radio

When I got into radio, it was a wasteland of people playing records and news guys not giving opinions. I got on the air and changed it. I bucked the system. The reason there are freedoms on the air today is because of what I did. Period. End of sentence. I fought everyone who ever said to me, 'You can't do what you are doing on the air.' I've been fighting it for 25 years so jerk-offs like Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh and the whole lot of them could get on the air and have a party. I'm all for it and all for free speech, but remember who got you there. It's not the guys who didn't take risks. It's the guys who are on the front line. Rush Limbaugh wasn't on the frontlines of Vietnam because of his knee injury and he wasn't on the frontlines of the radio industry when I was breaking down all the walls. The same with Bill O'Reilly. He was an anchorman sitting there behaving himself and then they all saw what radio could be and what television could be and what it's like to express themselves. And now they all sit idly by.

Source.

Poop Culture

Entertainment Weekly came out with its The 25 Funniest People in America issue today. Since I think comedy is sometimes funny, I thought I would appease the millions of Americans who are desperate for my thoughts on the issue.

1. Chris Rock -- He wouldn't be number one on my list, but I won't argue much. Except to say that he should never act again. (He was great as Pootie Tang's father in Pootie Tang, however.) He should do a sketch comedy show -- "The Chris Rock Show" was pretty good for that -- and "Bigger and Blacker" is one of the funniest stand-up specials I have ever seen. I believe he has a new one coming to HBO soon, and I can't wait.
2. Jon Stewart & the Daily Show Team -- Good times. Jon Stewart falls back on his "slack-jawed schlub" gimmick and gladhands Republicans a bit too often for my tastes, but he is egoless enough to allow other comedians take centerstage. He has also, thankfully, given up acting. Stephen Colbert probably deserves a spot on this list all by himself. And "Produce Pete" is fucking great, even though it hits too close to home.
3. Will Ferrell -- Let's wait-and-see on this one. Is he going to make a bunch of lite crap like Elf the rest of his life? No, I didn't see it. Anchorman looks promising from the trailer, with a dog that shits in the fridge, but those movies always end up sucking big floppy donkey dicks. He was the only saving grace on SNL for a long time, and I always enjoyed his "angry dad"-type sketches.
4. Larry David -- This season of "Curb" has been a disappointment (except the marijuana/hooker and Stiller birthday party episodes), but everything else this man has done has been brilliant. I really wish I could get my hands on some his stand-up; I've only seen bits and pieces from the "Curb" pilot.
5. Dave Chappelle -- This guy proves that sometimes it is all about the delivery. I'm no fanatic, but there is always at least one great sketch on every episode of his show. And Half-Baked was funny until I stopped being high.

Now I've bored myself. Maybe I'll do more later.

Notes from the Campaign Trail

Sorry I've been so distant lately. Electioneering sure is hard work! I've been very busy shaking hands, playing toss-the-booty with Dan Rather, and building inukshuks. But I've totally had a blast and met some real awesome people. I thought I'd take a moment and share some pics with you, my humble reader.

Here's I am on my plane dropping some Christopher Cross in a successful attempt to snag me some hot press pool snatch. Yo, Ashleigh, if you're reading this, call me back. I'll wear the fake beard this time.


I'm sorry, Ms. Jackson, but I need to pimp some of your boy's time! Here's me with my cousin Andre 3000 at a family reunion. Stank you smelly much for the mammaries, blood!


Oh and here's a picture of me feeding some starving children.


Ah shit, how did that get in there? My bad! Well, Dodgy-wannabees and Dodgyettes, that's all for now. Keep it rizeal!

Love,
Sir Dodgy of Goodtimes

Inukshuk

The Big Time

I would like to congratulate Nathan for his work in getting our website recognized. We've been condemned for hate speech! Yippee! I'd also like to add that Franklog is a stinky tool well-versed in the art of douchebaggery!

The casualties continue to pile up...

Anyone following the crazy shit surrounding Howard Stern? He seems to think it's the end for him, because he dared criticize bUSH. Salon had a decent article yesterday. Follow everything here.

Howard said that the President is talking about changing the Constitution because of the gay marriage thing and it's crazy...He said that TV has become very bland and people like Jay Leno are the ones who are dragging it there...Stern's time has passed though and he's become too much of a symbol in this country that is out of control to the religious right. He said they've been organizing for the past 15 years or so trying to get him off the air...He said he has made the big mistake of getting political. He said that he heard that the FCC is going to fine him and make it impossible for his company to keep him on. Howard said that the Republican party as they knew it no longer exists. They are changing things right before our eyes and the country is turning into a religious country just like the countries we despise in the Middle East.

Dodgy's ladeez vol. 2

Some 90210 flava. I once saw Kathleen Robertson at the Turkey's Nutz. No shit.

Get it? The president talks all stupid and shit...

This morning I taped my first appearance on "Meet the Press" with "Slim" Tim Russert. I was hoping this would be my first chance to communicate my nascent agenda directly to the American people. But wouldn't you know it, that megalo-media-slut George W. Bush decided to call in and steal my thunder. Someone doesn't like being the fat, zitty girl at the prom, do they? Of course, he barely let me get a word in. As the Good Doctor says, "Desperate men do desperate things, and stupid men do stupid things," and things don't get much stupider or desperater than what follows. Here's a partial transcript, beginning with W's entrance.

MTP: Sorry to interrupt you again and again, Dodgy, but it appears we have a special guest on the phone.
GWB: Howdy, Timmy!
MTP: It's the President! Viva el presidente! Good morning, dear, sweet leader. We are talking with one of your opponents, Dodgy Goodtimes.
GWB: Tickle me impressed! I'm very interested in what this fine fresh fellow has to say. Like we say in Texas, I'll keep my fly shut and let the cowchips fall in the tray.

MTP: OK, sir. I love you. In a totally platonic way, of course. Now, Dodgy. The economy appears to be improving, but job creation is not where many economists think it should be. What would you change or do differently?
DG: Well, I feel the current administration's laissez-faire approach to corporate...
GWB: "Lazy queer approach"? Heh heh. Sounds like one of those tricks we teach donkeys in Texas.
DG: It's French, bitch. Anyway, as I was saying...
GWB: Is it just me, or didn't I hear this fella promise everyone a "wheelbarrow full of meatballs in every garage"?
DG: As I have said many times, I was tweaking on some bad crystal meth when I gave that speech. I have also said many times since --
GWB: We have a saying in Texas: that's one helluva ecornomics policy. Heh heh.

MTP: Mr. Goodtimes.
DG: Can I finish?
MTP: I think you did. You appear to have an extraordinary lack of political experience. Even your voting record is spotty prior to 2000. What in God's name makes you think you can do a better job than the man whom today's The Washington Times named God's favorite Texan?
DG: Well, unlike this guy, I would uphold the Constitution. I will keep church and the state separate. I will surround myself with a diverse and competent staff whose only interests are the American people's interests. I will ensure that all Americans are treated equally under the law; I will not shed blood on foreign soil on every whim. I bring accountabilty back to -- I mean, there is indisputable evidence that many of the President's past business transactions have been criminal. How can we expect him to --
GWB: Timmy, this is dirty pool and ad hominey attacking, pure and simple. Personably, I don't think the American people want to throw the bathtub out in midstream. And look at what I'm going against. On one side, we've got Elastic Man turd-poker from Faggachusetts, on the other you got this terramisterist from Jew York. In the middle you got a regular guy like me who's proved to be a untier, not a diviser.
MTP: Loving sir, you may want to clarify that Jew remark.
GWB: Aw, shitballs. Now don't get me wrong: I love Jews. They will play a very importament part in the upcoming Rapture. The American people just need to look at the acondiments of my adiministeration: We got Saddam Insane to grow an enormous beard and shave it off in the course of nine months. I don't think think this Badtimes guy can even grow much of a beard.
DG: What the fuck is he talking about? Can I just say --

MTP : Sorry, I'm going to have to stop you there. Finally, who do you think will win the NBA finals this year?
DG: Well, I am a big Timberwolves fan, but I will admit that even in the East --
GWB: H-here's something. There's a saying where I come from: Don't mess with, uh, guys who get lucky in Kentucky. So I'm gonna have to go with the Spurs, Rockets and Mavericks to tie.
MTP: Well, I am afraid that's all we have time for. Thank you for joining us. If it's Sunday, it's "Meet the Press." Good day.

Beautiful Boys

Goodtimes in '04: Because He Wasn't Old Enough to Deport John Fucking Lennon
or,
Goodtimes in '04: Because No One's Going to Pay Him to Teach Fucking Photoshop

All Growed Up

Cheers to Big Daddy Hotcakes on his 29th. Here's how he celebrated last year.

Million for Marriage

Petition time.

There's this, too.

The First Shot Is Fired

I'll let these pictures speak for themselves.




Dodgy Goodtimes in '04: Because He Doesn't Hate Arnold.

This Would Never Happen If I Were President

No. No. No. No no no no no.

More Hard Core in Aught-Four!

Like all good Americans, I am a registered Democrat, and today was my turn to vote in the New York State primary. (Aside: I think it is an incredibly evolved idea that large urban centers do not vote for their party's candidate until the winner is clear. Why should hot-button issues such as ski-resort infrastructure, maple syrup production and using soybeans to produce biodiesel take a backseat to Head Start, affordable housing, crowded classrooms and mass transit? We're trying our best not to evolve, Mr. and Mrs. Rural Area, but please be patient with us!)

Anyhoo, when I got to the polling place, I was dissatisfied with my options. And more specifically, the candidates' hairstyles. I think you know where this is going.

At 29, I feel I am finally ready for to weather the intense scrutiny that comes with a Presidential bid. I promise full disclosure: I will relate to you in excruciating detail every skeleton in my closet, every drug I have ever ingested, and the measurements of every woman whose phone calls I have not returned.

I will go into the issues in more detail over time, but here is where I stand, in a very general manner. I am socially liberal/libertarian and fiscally indifferent. I will make the following pledges to America -- pledges Bush, Kerry, Edwards and even Kucinich and Sharpton are afraid to make.

1. I will not have sex with your daughters unless they absolutely fucking beg me. And I mean really beg for it, beg like starving dogs. And that's the Dodgy Goodtimes Promise *wink!*.

2. When I am President, I will do everything within my power to restore in-home hot tub ownership to its 1982 levels. And that's the Dodgy Goodtimes Promise *wink!*.

3. Unlike the current President, I will not call for the mass murder of all homosexuals. (That's just not cool, you gay-bashing homo!) On the other hand, unlike John Kerry, I will not force people to gay marry. Especially heterosexuals. Only people who want to gay marry will be allowed to gay marry. And that's the Dodgy Goodtimes Promise *wink!*.

4. All Dodgy Goodtimes promises will come with a "wink." And that's the Dodgy Goodtimes Promise *wink!*.

My campaign will begin tomorrow with a rally at Traflagar Square in London. I hope you guys will be there... And it's a potluck, so bring food everyone! I made punch.


Dodgy Goodtimes in '04: 10% Gay -- Just Like America.

Jesus was a black man -- no, jesus was batman -- no...

that one dude sure suffered pretty badly for your sins. and now a moment of silence for the millions similarily killed in his name.

odds and sods

Hunter S. Thompson writes a column for ESPN.com. Check in with the Good Doctor and think about Haiti.

"Is it possible that Bush has already abandoned all hope of getting re-elected? Or does he plan to cancel the Election altogether by declaring a national military emergency with terrorists closing in from all sides, leaving him with no choice but to launch a huge bomb immediately?

All these things are possible, unfortunately, in a White House that is drowning in it's own failures. Desperate men do desperate things, and stupid men do stupid things. We are in for a desperately stupid summer."

Feed a former Foxie

Wow, big day here at the Goodtimes household. First, exclusive news from inside Haiti. Now, I have received a letter from a former employee at Fox News. Now, a man who only wanted to mock an Alzheimer's sufferer is starving and needs your help. Here's his story. If you have any decency whatsoever, you will send me money and job tips (no sparring partner jokes accepted) and I will send them to him.

Dear Mr. Goodtimes,

Hello. I am a former employee of Fox News Corporation, and I needed a forum to tell my story, and beg for spare change and hamhocks. Please do not use my name. You see, my tenure with Fox News recently came to a tragic end. You probably remember my searing commentary on Kobe Bryant, Laci Peterson, and the inalienable rights of unfertilized ova.

I got my start there 12 years ago as Sean Hannity's personal hairdresser. He was immediately struck by my xenophobia and ill-informed analysis of unimportant events, so they began grooming me to be Alan Colmes' successor on that hard-hitting jewel of the Fox News crown, Hannity and Colmes. They immediately began weaning me off of my hunger for books, insight, and knowledge in general. Everything was going swimmingly, and everyone loved me (Rupert Murdoch even taught me ballroom dancing): I was the inarticulate liberal they will willing to put up with, as long as Hannity's hair was impenetrable and their opinions went unchallenged.

Everything changed a couple of weeks ago when Laura Ingraham and I were gently teasing Ann Coulter for having fat thighs during a particular edgy episode of Fox and Friends. We will all laughing and having a good time until I accidentally blurted out, "Oh, Ann, you couldn't even get Ronald Reagan to drool over those gams!" The metaphorical needle metaphorically scratched the metaphorical record and the metaphorical music stopped. A terrified E.D. Hill sent us straight to commercial and, next thing you know, I am being beaten with a sock full of day-old meat while they read passages from "Who’s Looking Out for You?" Luckily, I passed out within an hour.

I woke some time later in an alleyway, carefully wrapped in an American flag. I wanted to beg for Rupert's forgiveness, but by the time I got back to the building my passcard had been changed, and I wasn't allowed to come in. In fact, all evidence of my employment at America's Favorite News Channel had been erased. Now I am just a lost soul wandering the streets, waiting for someone to teach me how to make molotov cocktails, or at least feed me a hot dog.

Probably more than you wanted to know. Anyway.

Fair and balancedly,
B.J. Smegma (not my real name)

If you want to give, go here and follow the instructions.

The Leader of the People Who Hate People Party

I missed the 10th anniversary of Bill Hicks' death. Flak didn't.

Greetings from Port-au-Prince!!

We here at the Life Myopic have stumbled upon something really big... a web exclusive, if you will. A Friend of Dodgy, Martin Izaakson (name has been changed to protect the innocent), was recently married and left for his honeymoon a little over a week ago. Well, history must be on his side, because he ended up in Haiti instead of Portugal! What luck! Here's what he has to say:

hey dodgy,

the honeymoon is great so far! short story long, we accidentally got on a flight to haiti instead of portugal. straight out of the airport, we got swept up in some crazy kind of revolution. we marched down the street with all of these shirtless black guys carrying machetes and bongo drums (kind of like the gay pride parade in the village). anyway, apparently there is some prophesy here about the great well-hung white demigod (let me embellish!!) arriving and leading the people to freedom. as it happened, i fit the bill and the throne was mine under one condition. now, one rarely gets the opportunity to rule their own caribbean island nation, so i decided, despite the fact that it was our honeymoon, that sacrificing "kramer" was well worth it. you'd do the same, i imagine. anyhoo, after taking a few nibbles on her still-beating heart, myself and the rebels moved onto the capital. after that asshole aristede left, it's been nothing but goat's milk and and an endless stream of black poontang for me. good times. anyway, i told them if they thought i was white, they should get a load of you (the ladeez giggled knowingly) and i think i can promise you a spot in my cabinet. hope all is well in NYC.

best, "martin"

ps--let "big daddy hotcakes" and "chimpy's boyfriend" know i have minister of information and secretary of defense positions slotted for them.

pps--tell my parents to forget about me. sell banjo.

Viva le revoluçion!