Always a Good Read

Click.

The kind people have a wonderful dream...

I'm quibbling. But he was never elected.
And Frist is a dick.

Be happy. Don't Cry.

Two poems. (Note: I am not accusing the Flaming Lips of plagiarism. I just like both works. Please don't sue me for copyright infringement.)


"I felt a Funeral, in my Brain" by Emily Dickinson

I felt a Funeral, in my Brain,
And Mourners to and fro
Kept treading--treading--till it seemed
That Sense was breaking through--

And when they all were seated,
A Service, like a Drum--
Kept beating--beating--till I thought
My Mind was going numb--

And then I heard them lift a Box
And creak across my Soul
With those same Boots of Lead, again,
Then Space--began to toll,

As all the Heavens were a Bell,
And Being, but an Ear,
And I, and Silence, some strange Race
Wrecked, solitary, here--

And then a Plank in Reason, broke,
And I dropped down, and down--
And hit a World, at every plunge,
And Finished knowing--then--

"Funeral in My Head" by Wayne Coyne

But if I go mad, no-one will notice,
I won't let it be seen.
Because I don't want you to be sad for me.
Be happy. Don't cry.

Listening to some megaphone
pressed against an insect's brain.
Thought I could hear rain.
The sun burns through, and the light bulb fades.

Watching some billion-tiered funeral in my head.
Is that what you said?
The sun burns through, and the light bulb fades.

But if I go mad, no-one will notice,
I won't let it be seen.
Because I don't want you to be sad for me.
Be happy. Don't cry.

Patriotism

With apologies to the late, great Bill Hicks.

Your parents happened to fuck here. Get over it.

(Nice use of meter, Colin!)

...'cause she knows that it'd be tragic if those evil robots win...

Here are some haikus I wrote before our noble victory in Iraq.
(Caution! Blue material!)

only fucking fags
think war’s unnecessary
—but not sodomy!
*
infidel saddam
let’s see the look on his face
when jesus shows up!
*
these colors don’t run
unless some iraqi prick
washes them in warm
*
True patriots think,
“What would Bill O’Reilly say?”
When asked about war.

Haikus are great. I love the delusion of structure. Send me yours, if you want. Contact.

Stay Positive

The Guardian fucking rocks.

If I didn't prefer to keep thieves' hours, I would live there.

Excerpt: Texting is a truly tricky form for the ironist - very brief texts are difficult to make ironic simply because it's difficult to inject many layers into seven words. However, if you write a very long text, because it's such a bugger to do, your extra effort suggests a sincerity - an undudelike urge to be understood - that sits all wrong with the irony. To get round this, forms like "(!)" and "Not" and "have evolved", but they're pretty dumb and basic.
With emails, people with a lot of time on their hands can, obviously, give themselves room to develop an ironic theme, but for people with jobs, e-etiquette demands instant response, which brings you down to the very rudiments of irony - I Love My Boss; I'm Delighted That My Ex Is Going Out With That Attractive Woman; I Really Couldn't Be More Pleased That You've Lost a Stone. Once it's as bald as that, and you're without extra signifiers like eyebrows, there is a danger of misunderstanding. However, I think we're actually more alert to irony than we are to its opposite, sincerity. Take the case of Rena Salmon, who last year shot her husband's lover, and then texted him to that effect. Her words were, "I have shot Lorna. This is not a joke." A perfect demonstration of my point (I don't get many of those) - the first thing you think when you read a text is that it is a joke.

Colin Pride

I'm here, I want beer, get used to it.

Move On

For those who are interested, here are the results of the moveon.org "primary." No surprise (and no 50%er, either), though I thought Kucinich would fare better. (No, not a typo...this is Move On we're talking about.) A moral victory for Kerry, I think. Clicky.

This and That

Get your Krugman on.

Aw, the T-Wolves felt sorry for the moron.

A great acoustic session (10 songs) by Radiohead is available here.

Weird. Just when you think you know someone. Excerpt: "You might remember me as Peter," the woman stated, referring to her years with Bush at Yale, which was an all-male school at the time. Bush apparently didn’t bat an eyelid, grabbed her hand, and replied, "Now you’ve come back as yourself."

Quote of the Week

"God told me to strike at al Qaida and I struck them, and then he instructed me to strike at Saddam, which I did, and now I am determined to solve the problem in the Middle East. If you help me I will act, and if not, the elections will come and I will have to focus on them." George W. Bush, to Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmoud Abbas at Aqaba. Haaretz, June 25, 2003
Via Best of the Blogs

Also, does this indicate that we're resigned to this bullshit? When will NYC secede from the union?

Smell Ya Later

He came, he saw, he enjoyed the occasional piece of black tail. And then he died.
Eventually. Very eventually.

Cuts the Meat

My friend Art in St. Paul has started a music website. I'll be contributing to it when I can.

Check it out!

José le Donque, Performer and Dreamcatcher, Dies at 14

José le Donque, who revolutionized the donkey’s role in the world
of Hollywood by portraying an array of characters on film and television, passed
away Sunday evening at the age of 14 in the Flamingo Hotel, Las Vegas, Nevada.
He was 14 and lived in Santa Monica, California.

The cause of death has not been released, though it is believed to be drug-related.

José le Donque, born Leonard Donkstein in Westchester, New York, was renowned
for his work in feature films, including Monkeybone, Batman and Robin,
All About My Mother, and Who’s That Donkey? His last feature
was The Princess Diaries, in which he played a skittish, croquet-playing
butler trying to win the heart of Julie Andrews.

He made his debut in the 1995 Adam Sandler film Billy Madison, although
his scene (which involved Norm Macdonald feeding him a bucket of beer) ended up
on the cutting room floor. But his commitment to the role earned him accolades
and a reputation among Hollywood insiders. His big break came when he was offered
$2 million to play spastic quadriplegic artist Christy Brown in the sequel to
My Left Foot. However, due to escalating costs, producers cancelled filming
halfway through and it left le Donque shattered. According to colleagues, this
is when he turned to drugs. Over the last years of his life, le Donque spent more
time in the tabloids and rehab than on Hollywood sets.

At the time of his passing, things were starting to turn around for le Donque.
Proclaiming to be clean and sober, le Donque won an Emmy in 1999 for portraying
an aging cabaret singer on Fox’s "That ’70s Show". He had
also been preparing to play the lead role in the drama "CopDonkey" at the
time of his passing.

Rumors abound that le Donque’s marriage to Vegas hatcheck girl Monique le
Donique had been on the rocks, and le Donque had returned to using drugs and alcohol.
He was recently spotted drinking gimlets and playing on $50,000-a-hand tables
in Las Vegas with Ben Affleck, and masturbating in the back of Colin Farrell’s
Bentley.

Production on "CopDonkey" is said to continue, though no replacement
actor has been named. To add insult to injury, the creators are also currently
involved in litigation over the direction of the television show. Producers could
not be reached for comment.

My Contribution to Savage Appropriations Day

Below is a partial transcript of a commencement speech Michael Savage recently gave.

(More via : The Greatest Living American Blogger )


MICHAEL SAVAGE ENCOURAGES, RUBS UP AGAINST SENIORS AT COMMENCEMENT

The Donkeypissonian proudly presents the complete text of Michael Savage's remarks to the Donkeypiss College Class of 2003. The Pissonian and commencement committee also deeply regrets harrassing the estate of Gwendolyn Brooks. We now believe that she is dead.

"You have no idea what an honor it is to be here at Donkeypiss College, speaking to the graduating class of 2003. I have long admired the standards of excellence that this fine school has aspired to and met. I joked with President Alegre that I wouldn't speak here today, because I wasn't accepted! But he, um, 'showed me the money' if you will!

"Ahhhh. Where was I? Yes, what an honor it is be here today. It seems only yesterday I was passed out in the back row of my own commencement ceremony. Me and my good buddy, Fishstick, spent the night before doing whip-its and playing cribbage with a lamb. Man, that lamb could drink. I should call that lamb again...shit, she's probably dead. Christ.

"I guess that brings me to my most important point: everything dies. Nothing lasts forever. And for matter, just be glad you're not a gay donut. Fishstick's brother -- he was adopted -- was a gay donut. More importantly, he was a 'top.' Now, don't let Jerry Falwell fool you into thinking that gay people choose to be 'tops' or 'bottoms.' They're born that way, douchebags. And what the fuck is a gay top donut going to do? WHAT?!?! Count yourselves lucky, you little assholes. Having a $35000 student loan debt is a lot better than being a top donut that will never get to fuck anyone in the ass.

"Perhaps more of you will now understand where I'm coming from. So, uh, good luck, class of 2003. You deserve the best. And say 'Hi' to Fishstick for me if any of you make it to the West Wing. Ciao!"

Must have been a very good book

A kick-ass book. Cheers to the Memory Hole.

Velkommen

Welcome to Dodgy Goodtimes' blog, to be named later. We can call it Donkeypiss College, if you want. More to come as I learn how to do this. Be gentle, this my first time.