Get it? The president talks all stupid and shit...

This morning I taped my first appearance on "Meet the Press" with "Slim" Tim Russert. I was hoping this would be my first chance to communicate my nascent agenda directly to the American people. But wouldn't you know it, that megalo-media-slut George W. Bush decided to call in and steal my thunder. Someone doesn't like being the fat, zitty girl at the prom, do they? Of course, he barely let me get a word in. As the Good Doctor says, "Desperate men do desperate things, and stupid men do stupid things," and things don't get much stupider or desperater than what follows. Here's a partial transcript, beginning with W's entrance.

MTP: Sorry to interrupt you again and again, Dodgy, but it appears we have a special guest on the phone.
GWB: Howdy, Timmy!
MTP: It's the President! Viva el presidente! Good morning, dear, sweet leader. We are talking with one of your opponents, Dodgy Goodtimes.
GWB: Tickle me impressed! I'm very interested in what this fine fresh fellow has to say. Like we say in Texas, I'll keep my fly shut and let the cowchips fall in the tray.

MTP: OK, sir. I love you. In a totally platonic way, of course. Now, Dodgy. The economy appears to be improving, but job creation is not where many economists think it should be. What would you change or do differently?
DG: Well, I feel the current administration's laissez-faire approach to corporate...
GWB: "Lazy queer approach"? Heh heh. Sounds like one of those tricks we teach donkeys in Texas.
DG: It's French, bitch. Anyway, as I was saying...
GWB: Is it just me, or didn't I hear this fella promise everyone a "wheelbarrow full of meatballs in every garage"?
DG: As I have said many times, I was tweaking on some bad crystal meth when I gave that speech. I have also said many times since --
GWB: We have a saying in Texas: that's one helluva ecornomics policy. Heh heh.

MTP: Mr. Goodtimes.
DG: Can I finish?
MTP: I think you did. You appear to have an extraordinary lack of political experience. Even your voting record is spotty prior to 2000. What in God's name makes you think you can do a better job than the man whom today's The Washington Times named God's favorite Texan?
DG: Well, unlike this guy, I would uphold the Constitution. I will keep church and the state separate. I will surround myself with a diverse and competent staff whose only interests are the American people's interests. I will ensure that all Americans are treated equally under the law; I will not shed blood on foreign soil on every whim. I bring accountabilty back to -- I mean, there is indisputable evidence that many of the President's past business transactions have been criminal. How can we expect him to --
GWB: Timmy, this is dirty pool and ad hominey attacking, pure and simple. Personably, I don't think the American people want to throw the bathtub out in midstream. And look at what I'm going against. On one side, we've got Elastic Man turd-poker from Faggachusetts, on the other you got this terramisterist from Jew York. In the middle you got a regular guy like me who's proved to be a untier, not a diviser.
MTP: Loving sir, you may want to clarify that Jew remark.
GWB: Aw, shitballs. Now don't get me wrong: I love Jews. They will play a very importament part in the upcoming Rapture. The American people just need to look at the acondiments of my adiministeration: We got Saddam Insane to grow an enormous beard and shave it off in the course of nine months. I don't think think this Badtimes guy can even grow much of a beard.
DG: What the fuck is he talking about? Can I just say --

MTP : Sorry, I'm going to have to stop you there. Finally, who do you think will win the NBA finals this year?
DG: Well, I am a big Timberwolves fan, but I will admit that even in the East --
GWB: H-here's something. There's a saying where I come from: Don't mess with, uh, guys who get lucky in Kentucky. So I'm gonna have to go with the Spurs, Rockets and Mavericks to tie.
MTP: Well, I am afraid that's all we have time for. Thank you for joining us. If it's Sunday, it's "Meet the Press." Good day.