More Hard Core in Aught-Four!
Like all good Americans, I am a registered Democrat, and today was my turn to vote in the New York State primary. (Aside: I think it is an incredibly evolved idea that large urban centers do not vote for their party's candidate until the winner is clear. Why should hot-button issues such as ski-resort infrastructure, maple syrup production and using soybeans to produce biodiesel take a backseat to Head Start, affordable housing, crowded classrooms and mass transit? We're trying our best not to evolve, Mr. and Mrs. Rural Area, but please be patient with us!)
Anyhoo, when I got to the polling place, I was dissatisfied with my options. And more specifically, the candidates' hairstyles. I think you know where this is going.
At 29, I feel I am finally ready for to weather the intense scrutiny that comes with a Presidential bid. I promise full disclosure: I will relate to you in excruciating detail every skeleton in my closet, every drug I have ever ingested, and the measurements of every woman whose phone calls I have not returned.
I will go into the issues in more detail over time, but here is where I stand, in a very general manner. I am socially liberal/libertarian and fiscally indifferent. I will make the following pledges to America -- pledges Bush, Kerry, Edwards and even Kucinich and Sharpton are afraid to make.
1. I will not have sex with your daughters unless they absolutely fucking beg me. And I mean really beg for it, beg like starving dogs. And that's the Dodgy Goodtimes Promise *wink!*.
2. When I am President, I will do everything within my power to restore in-home hot tub ownership to its 1982 levels. And that's the Dodgy Goodtimes Promise *wink!*.
3. Unlike the current President, I will not call for the mass murder of all homosexuals. (That's just not cool, you gay-bashing homo!) On the other hand, unlike John Kerry, I will not force people to gay marry. Especially heterosexuals. Only people who want to gay marry will be allowed to gay marry. And that's the Dodgy Goodtimes Promise *wink!*.
4. All Dodgy Goodtimes promises will come with a "wink." And that's the Dodgy Goodtimes Promise *wink!*.
My campaign will begin tomorrow with a rally at Traflagar Square in London. I hope you guys will be there... And it's a potluck, so bring food everyone! I made punch.
Dodgy Goodtimes in '04: 10% Gay -- Just Like America.
Anyhoo, when I got to the polling place, I was dissatisfied with my options. And more specifically, the candidates' hairstyles. I think you know where this is going.
At 29, I feel I am finally ready for to weather the intense scrutiny that comes with a Presidential bid. I promise full disclosure: I will relate to you in excruciating detail every skeleton in my closet, every drug I have ever ingested, and the measurements of every woman whose phone calls I have not returned.
I will go into the issues in more detail over time, but here is where I stand, in a very general manner. I am socially liberal/libertarian and fiscally indifferent. I will make the following pledges to America -- pledges Bush, Kerry, Edwards and even Kucinich and Sharpton are afraid to make.
1. I will not have sex with your daughters unless they absolutely fucking beg me. And I mean really beg for it, beg like starving dogs. And that's the Dodgy Goodtimes Promise *wink!*.
2. When I am President, I will do everything within my power to restore in-home hot tub ownership to its 1982 levels. And that's the Dodgy Goodtimes Promise *wink!*.
3. Unlike the current President, I will not call for the mass murder of all homosexuals. (That's just not cool, you gay-bashing homo!) On the other hand, unlike John Kerry, I will not force people to gay marry. Especially heterosexuals. Only people who want to gay marry will be allowed to gay marry. And that's the Dodgy Goodtimes Promise *wink!*.
4. All Dodgy Goodtimes promises will come with a "wink." And that's the Dodgy Goodtimes Promise *wink!*.
My campaign will begin tomorrow with a rally at Traflagar Square in London. I hope you guys will be there... And it's a potluck, so bring food everyone! I made punch.
Dodgy Goodtimes in '04: 10% Gay -- Just Like America.
posted by colin carlson at 8:10 PM
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