Report: 95% of All Americans Are Confused by Analogies

Dougie McCheesetaint here. Happy Hump Day! I have some wonderful news for everyone: Dodgy lives and has his eyes open! We've spent much of the day going over recent world events, and the future President of the United States would like to make this statement:

First of all, I would like to thank everyone for keeping me out of their fucking prayers while I am recovering from last week's assassination attempt. You are all helping me in this trying time, and I appreciate it more than you'll ever know. Though my assassins have yet to be identified, I have my suspicions (I'm looking at you, Gary Nolan... hey pal, there's room for more than one hunk in this race), and I encourage my followers to carry out vigilante attacks on possible assailants.

But, right now, we have more pressing matters to discuss. After reading up on the events of the last two weeks, I think the most important thing for Americans to do right is parse the recent comments of Kevin Garnett equating a sporting event with war. Who the fuck does he think he is? 50 Cent? We live in dangerous times, and I believe his comments give aid and comfort to the enemy. What, does he think that soldiers are dying overseas simply to exploit gas and oil resources? The combination of Garnett's words, Peja Stojakovic's haircut, and Doug Christie's unmockable dedication to his wife have forced me to side with the Kings in tonight's deciding seventh game. I just hope Wally will forgive me -- but I think he'll understand (See at the Journey shows this summer, bro!).

Mike Lupica (a novelist on par with Henry James, if you ask me) and radio legend/Mike Golic wrangler Mike Greenberg have groundbreaking essays/gospels on this; works that should -- nay, must -- be read by anyone seeking insight into America in the early 21st century.

Love,
Sir Dodgy of Goodtimes