Boner Patrol
Well, I realize that I haven’t been around lately. I’m terribly sorry—I am probably the most valuable source for hard news this side of the New York Post’s editorial page—but it has been a very exciting week, and I can’t wait to tell you all about it. I’m not exactly sure of the best way to say this, so I’m just going to blurt it out:
I have been communing with something perfect and absolute: God and/or my higher self.
Now, I didn’t exactly go looking for this. I rarely look for anything if I don’t think I can find it at the bottom of a bottle of Olde English. No, God and/or my higher self came looking for me. God and/or my higher bumped into me late last Friday in a Communist book store, smelling of gasoline and absinthe.
God and/or my higher self put his/her/its hand on my shoulder, looked me square in the eye, and said, “Yo, dawg, the lambs have gone astray and we really need a playa like you on da team.”
Now, I hear this kind of thing all the time—from groups like the Log Cabin Republicans, the NAACP, Radiohead, just to name a few. It is the inevitable by-product of being such a suspiciously well-rounded and intelligent individual. But this time it really struck a chord; plus, I had something to bargain for. “Do you promise to remove the ingrown hair on the tip of my nose, God and/or my higher self?”
“In time, son and/or my lower self, in time. And I will reveal to you some of the secrets of the universe, if you reveal yours to me.”
“Cool.”
It will be a bit before I can tell you more, as we are just beginning stroll down the beach together, me riding God and/or my higher self piggyback. But here are some things to slake your unquenched interest.
Moral superiority can be an incredibly dangerous thing.
Even though Joe Lieberman has officially rendered the Republican Party irrelevant, they will continue to abuse their power in an unprecedented fashion. And blow smoke, of course.
Let us not quibble over the Acting President’s infamous 16 words. Let us parse these 704 instead.
And we agreed that Monica Bellucci is fucking hot.
Keep on self-actualizin’!
I have been communing with something perfect and absolute: God and/or my higher self.
Now, I didn’t exactly go looking for this. I rarely look for anything if I don’t think I can find it at the bottom of a bottle of Olde English. No, God and/or my higher self came looking for me. God and/or my higher bumped into me late last Friday in a Communist book store, smelling of gasoline and absinthe.
God and/or my higher self put his/her/its hand on my shoulder, looked me square in the eye, and said, “Yo, dawg, the lambs have gone astray and we really need a playa like you on da team.”
Now, I hear this kind of thing all the time—from groups like the Log Cabin Republicans, the NAACP, Radiohead, just to name a few. It is the inevitable by-product of being such a suspiciously well-rounded and intelligent individual. But this time it really struck a chord; plus, I had something to bargain for. “Do you promise to remove the ingrown hair on the tip of my nose, God and/or my higher self?”
“In time, son and/or my lower self, in time. And I will reveal to you some of the secrets of the universe, if you reveal yours to me.”
“Cool.”
It will be a bit before I can tell you more, as we are just beginning stroll down the beach together, me riding God and/or my higher self piggyback. But here are some things to slake your unquenched interest.
Moral superiority can be an incredibly dangerous thing.
Even though Joe Lieberman has officially rendered the Republican Party irrelevant, they will continue to abuse their power in an unprecedented fashion. And blow smoke, of course.
Let us not quibble over the Acting President’s infamous 16 words. Let us parse these 704 instead.
And we agreed that Monica Bellucci is fucking hot.
Keep on self-actualizin’!
posted by colin carlson at 10:51 AM
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